You Are Exactly As Strong As You Think You Are

We all know people that have iron wills. It seems like nothing can stop them. They set their mind to something and they just do it. Doesn’t matter how hard it is, their internal strength is stronger.

How do they do it? Turns out, they think about willpower differently than you and me.

 

One of my good friends, Aaron, is a person of amazing willpower. One time in college, he ran a marathon and almost qualified for the Boston Marathon—a prestigious marathon for the most elite of runners.

That alone isn’t impressive. Thousands of people qualify for the Boston Marathon every year and tens of thousands forget that they have a car and decide to run 26.2 miles.

No, it is not remarkable that he ran or that he ran well. What is incredible is that Aaron did it despite not training and not being a runner. He did it on a whim, with very little training, even less planning, and absolutely no common sense.

I remember watching Aaron cross the finish line. No one ever looked more exhausted. He leaned forward, barely putting one leg in front of another, and his body sagged as if . . . well, as if he had just run 26.2 miles. It was the ultimate picture of mind over body.

How is it that Aaron can run a marathon while I struggle to get out of bed in the morning?

 

Why do so many of us go to sleep with the best of intentions, vowing that tomorrow is going to be the first day of the rest of our new lives, and yet fall back into the same traps by lunchtime?

 

One reason is that our willpower runs out. Like grains of sand running through an hourglass, it seems we have just so much willpower and when it runs out, it’s gone. However, research says it doesn’t have to be that way if we just learn to think about willpower differently.

A few years ago, a team of Stanford University researchers conducted a series of studies examining willpower failures and depletion–that is, the idea that we can run out of self-control because we exerted too much earlier. (Read it here. It is awesome.)

Repeatedly, they found that people who believed in limited self-control, that is, you can run out of self-control, experienced waning self-control the more they used their self-control. The more they tried to exert self-control, the more mentally “tired” they became until eventually they gave in and experienced self-control failure.

Want to know who didn’t struggle with self-control? Who kept strong despite constant attempts to tire them out and repeated use of their self-control muscle?

People that believe that self-control is unlimited, that using self-control make them stronger, that’s who!

 

I love this study!

Think about it—people that believe that using willpower is unlimited and that using it makes you stronger ACTUALLY BECAME MENTALLY STRONGER!!

Those that believed that willpower was limited were, in fact, limited.

In short, you are as strong as you believe you are.

Wow.

 

Where do we go from here?

Now that we know that how we think about our willpower directly determines how much willpower we have, we can do a number of interventions to help ourselves and our clients build increased, powerful mental strength.

 

Examine Your Willpower Theory

What do you (or your clients) really believe about willpower? Do you think that it is limited? That it can run out? What are your personal beliefs about your own willpower? Do you feel that you are mentally strong or weak? Are there things that you just don’t have the capacity to overcome?

When you (or your clients) answer those questions, don’t just give the service level answer. No platitudes or impression management. Dig deep and introspect. In your heart of hearts, what do you actually believe?

You can answer these questions to yourself, a loved one, or a coach. Sometimes it is helpful to sit and write out your thoughts. There are lots of studies supporting writing as an effective means of self-discovery AND as a positive intervention. (Meaning writing about your willpower can increase your willpower. Highly recommend it.)

Regardless of how you answer these questions, you have to start by knowing what you believe about willpower. Once you know where you are, you can begin navigating a way forward.

 

Develop a New Theory About Willpower

In the original Stanford study, some of the research participants were taught that “your mental stamina fuels itself; even after strenuous mental exertion you can continue doing more of it.” This new theory about willpower strengthened the participants and gave them even more willpower than they had previously. It follows that if you can internalize this new theory about willpower, you too will be stronger of mind.

To develop a new theory of willpower, focus on repetition and habit formation. Set up a daily habit of reminding yourself that every time you use willpower, you become stronger. When faced with a temptation, repeat an affirmation or mantra that supports your new theory of willpower.

I personally like to rehearse a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson every time my willpower is tested: “That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the nature of the task has changed, but our ability to do has increased.”

If you use the Habit Architect platform, either for yourself or your clients, try to incorporate habit exercises that focus on reshaping the way that you think about willpower.

 

Reward Yourself for Willpower Victories

Developing a new theory about willpower will help shape your conscious brain but to make it stick, you also need to shape your unconscious mind. You do that through reinforcement/rewards. (Turns out the habit part of your brain is affected by dopamine, an intoxicating neurotransmitter that is released with rewards.)

Every time you win—you exercise willpower to do something you did not want to do—celebrate your victory. It doesn’t need to be a big celebration, it can be fist-pumping, smiling really wide, telling a friend, whatever. The point is that you acknowledge your victory, take pride in it, and enjoy the win.

If you consistently celebrate your willpower wins, you will quickly start to realize how you truly are strong. Moreover, you will become stronger.  As you increase your willpower, you will overcome temptations that trapped you for years.

However, this isn’t going to occur overnight—you need to be consistent in celebrating your willpower wins and willing to keep going for weeks, months, and maybe even years. But if you want to be one of those people with iron wills, then it is worth a few minutes a day of celebrating yourself.

For those of you that use Architect, you can use that platform to help you develop this habit too. Simply set up a habit exercise to use your willpower at some point in the day. When you go into the system to record your success, Architect will automatically reward you and help you celebrate your win. (Learn more here.)

 

Make Willpower a Habit

All the interventions that we described will help you and your clients become stronger and develop greater willpower—IF YOU MAKE A HABIT OF DOING THEM!

Repeated actions shape our bodies and minds. We are what we consistently do.

If you want to be stronger, to have that iron willpower, then start today to do the little things to make yourself stronger. And keep at it. Don’t stop. Don’t give up. A little at a time, keep moving forward. Soon you will be stronger than you ever thought possible.

Indeed, you will be exactly as strong as you think you are.

Bad Habits Have Good Consequences

My 3-year old son got in trouble yesterday. He has a bad habit that has developed recently–hitting his sister–that we have to nip in the bud. (We all have bad habits that we want to kick, no shame)

The interesting part of this story is not that he got in trouble, but what he said when we talked about the consequences of hitting his sister. He asked me why he had to go to timeout. I explained to him that what he did was wrong, that he hurt someone else, and that there was a consequence to hurting people.

His response– “But I don’t want consequences.” He just wants to hit his sister.

From the mouth of babes.

This is the struggle that WE ALL HAVE. We have bad habits and we don’t want the consequences We want to make choices, sometimes very poor choices, but we don’t want the poor consequences that follow. We only want good things to happen to us regardless of our own actions or inactions.

It does not work that way! And it never will.

Consequences are a universal truth. Cause and effect. Action and reaction. There is NO WAY to avoid them. They are like death and taxes.

The desire to avoid consequences, to not take responsibility for our own choices, is the number 1 thing holding us back from reaching our potential. We will never be who we are meant to be–who we must be–until we start embracing the responsibility for our choices, instead of avoiding them.

 

Now for the Science, Because Science Has A LOT To Say About Bad Habits and Consequences

Psychology does not have many scientific “laws”–humans are just so messy it is hard to find a pattern of behavior so strong that we can call it a “law.” So, when psychologists describe a pattern of behavior as a law, you know it is a big deal.

And the “law of effect” is a BIG deal.

The law of effect simply states that actions that produce good consequences, called reinforcers by psychologists, are more likely to be repeated. Actions that produce poor consequences, called punishments, are less likely to be repeated.

It’s okay if you were underwhelmed by that, I was too when I was first exposed to it. But here is where the law gets really cool. People’s habits, their good habits and their bad habits, are all rooted in the law of effect.

 

Our Bad Habits Exist Because We Were Rewarded For Them In The Past

I bite my nails. It’s one of my many bad habits. I’m not a kid. I’m a grown man. I realize it’s gross, so why do I do it?

The law of effect. I do it because it is a soothing device. When I feel anxious or stressed, I bite my nails as a way of distracting myself. Whereas I was stressed and anxious before I bit my nails, now that I am biting them I feel less so. Law of effect. Biting my nails led to less stress, therefore I’m likely going to keep biting my nails. And as long as that pattern continues, that I feel reinforced for biting my nails, I’m going to continue to do it.

Why does your manager have a fiery temper? When they get upset, their employees seem to work harder. (Seem is an important word here. A lot of the “good” consequences for bad behavior just “seem” to be good and aren’t actually. In a moment, we will dive into this further.)

Why don’t the people that you coach take action? Taking action requires effort, change, and probably pain. All of these are “punishments” to most people and make the behavior less likely.

Why can’t you wake up early to get your work done? It’s painful to wake up that early.

Why can’t we lose weight? Be more productive? Engage our employees? Lead effectively? Etc. etc. etc. Every single one can be predicted by the law of effect. We engage in these behaviors become on some level we are more reinforced than punished for them.

The law of effect applies to all bad habits. Our patterns of behavior exist because we received some kind of reinforcement for them. (In later posts, we will discuss the different types of reinforcements. Knowing these will lead to greater self-awareness, which can then lead to great self-management. This applies to ourselves and the people we serve.)

 

But Wait A Second…All Bad Habits?

I know what some of you are thinking right now. Your thinking…wait a second…back up…some of the things you listed aren’t really rewarding, at least not in the long run.

A fiery temper leads to poor relationships. No one really wants that.

Not taking action after a coaching session leads to no growth, and our clients surely want growth.

Not being productive, being overweight, having disengaged employees, leading poorly, none of those things are rewarding. So why do we keep doing them if the law of effect says we only repeat things that are rewarding?

The reason is simple. Short-term consequences affect behavior more than long-term.

 

Short-Term Consequences > Long-Term Consequences.

On a neurological level, your brain is great at recognizing the immediate consequences of your decisions. It is much worse at recognizing long-term consequences. The more time between the consequence and the decision, the less likely your brain is to actually connect those things together.

That is why it takes a really large long-term consequence to overcome even the smallest immediate consequence.

So while a fiery temper, not taking action, being unproductive, eating unhealthy, treating employees unfairly, leading poorly may all have terrible long-term consequences, on a neurological level, the brain is really only recognizing the immediate rewards of these behaviors. And then the law of effect takes hold and we start to do these things more often, then they become habitual and eventually just part of who we are (literally–our brains and body will take on these characteristics–and figuratively).

 

Now What?

To break bad habits, there are 5 steps.

 

STEP 1: You need to discover if your client really wants to change their bad habits. If they do, really do, then you help them see change as a real possibility. Focus on increasing their hope and optimism that change is possible. This is what most coaches, speakers, and trainers do really well.

These next steps are going to take your impact to a whole new level.

 

STEP 2: You and your client need to really examine their bad habits–their repetitive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors–and the IMMEDIATE reinforcers for their habits. If they are engaging in a habit that is causing them pain or frustration, they are receiving or have received some kind of reinforcer for this behavior. (More on the types of reinforcement in next week’s blog, so please sign up to get updates. 🙂

Going back to the example of my son developing a bad habit of hitting his sister, we starting to watch really closely to figure out the situations that he hits her in. It looks like he does it when she takes something from him. What’s the reinforcer for hitting her? When he hits her, she goes away to cry and he can immediately play with his toy. Immediate reinforcer–he gets his toy.

STEP 3: You need to, if possible, make a plan to remove the reinforcements. Remember, the law of effect says that bad habits that are not reinforced should be diminished over time. In order for this step to work, we really have to nail the first step though. Removing the wrong reinforcer and not the primary reinforcer will have little effect on bad habits

Back to the son–we have to make it so that he does NOT get to continue to play with the toy and do it as quickly as possible.

STEP 4: Create a plan to provide a healthy, productive IMMEDIATE reinforcer for a different, positive habit. We are going to replace the negative behaviors with a positive one. And we do that by reinforcing the behaviors we want. So, brainstorm with your clients’ alternative behaviors that can help them.

For our son, this would look like asking her if he can play with the toy or, if that does not work, taking his case to a parent (ugh…that sounds awful. We might stick with the hitting. 😉

And remember to keep the reinforcer as close to the behavior as possible. And it needs to make them feel good. The closer the better, even if the reward is small. (With Architect, we use raffles, funny posts, and inspirational quotes to reinforce and we try to make the reinforcement as close to the behavior as possible.)

 

STEP 5: STICK TO THE PLAN!!!! I can’t over-emphasize this point. You must keep encouraging them to stick with their plans to remove reinforcement for their bad habits and reinforcing their new positive habits. 

It is important that they do not stop or quit. Habits take time to form and time to break. Your clients will want to stop. They will get bored. Sometimes they will claim that they have their bad habits beat. KEEP GOING! If it is taking effort, they haven’t formed a habit yet. If they are bored, they haven’t formed a habit yet. Habits are effortless, natural, and often mindless, not boring. So you are going to keep them going until it truly becomes part of who they are.

 

Okay, we have gone over a ton. Next week, we will discuss reinforcers. There is a ton there and it is really critical to understanding how to build and remove habits. So, sign up to receive updates and stay tuned.

 

Happy habit building,

Ryan